LDGillis

My bf left me and so I am used my confusion to motivate me to walk….cant think with my dd always talking so walking is where I think. Then it was to come up with devious ways to bring him back. Then it was because I realized that hey I was losing weight and I was walking faster and farther than I have ever done in my life. This week he called me pathetic, so its my anger pushing me forward. I was always told that people trying to lose weight had to do it for theirselves and no other reason but I dont believe that anymore. I started cuz my doc scared the Hades outta me, kept at it cuz I hve no car and needed to walk to the store, stayed with it for the above reasons and it really doesnt matter as long as it gets the job done I say! So if you cant do it for yourself, then think of other reasons to do it and just go for it.

Sad, angry, frustrated, thrilled and motivated. I was sad that I had to buy bigger sizes and angry that I gotten to that point. When I couldnt even get into those after some time I didnt allow myself to feel anything. Now I am thrilled because I can fit into back into those same jeans that made me feel sad and frustrated. I am motivated to keep losing so that I can give these jeans away (although they are quite cute lol) and get some new ones. Although I wont be getting many since I dont plan to stay in those either but to lose even more and get yet another smaller size

Now if my chart is gonna show me having alcohol today then I guess I have to huh? I am not gonna get blamed for this when I didnt get to actually enjoy it, so I guess I am off to have a drink….THANKS Buddyslim :):):)

 On a side note, about two weeks in I think and I am at 198…only one pound diff :(:( My working out and eating more doesnt seem to be working anymore already!!!

Had a rough weekend but got back into groove today. Ate only twice but thats one more than normal. I was doing really well with eating more each day and I even started to feel hungry! My body seems to be recognizing that it is getting some food as I am starting to get some regular bowel movements each day. This was always a big problem but I didnt know that going days without those wasnt normal lol!

I am drinking more water which in turn means less Pepsis and I am moving more. I didnt ealk or do my crunches all weekend but I did them again tonight so I am back on track My scale has not shown me 199 since I started all of this which is good. I yo yo every day but I know that this is normal and as long I am lose something I am ok with that. I lost 3 pds at one point so I was hyped and I will hold on to that! My mini goal is 189 because it gets me out of the 190s and I figure that thats a good thing and a small but easy motivator. So I only have (at this moment, ck with me tomorrow and it will be diff I know lol) 8 pounds to go :) 

I was thinking more on why I gained weight. Sooooo many things to think about but I want to get to the CORE issues. Is it likely or at least possible that I gained weight to keep from being attractive? I was moleseted as a 5 year old by my cousin. That may have passed by without issue but my mom just told me to wear shorts to bed so I felt like it was my fault and I felt unprotected. As a 10 and 13 year old, I was pinned to walls and felt up by two other and older cousins. I still get the creeps when I see one of them…the other is in prison for rape (go figure) and so I am lucky there. My dad used to make me go work with a man that leered at me and let it be known that he wanted me when I was 15. Dad didnt care as long as I brought home some money or at least that is how it seemed to me. He set me up on a date with a friend of his son and thank the gods that my cousin was there because this guy was trying to rape me in the backseat when my cousin pulled him off of me. My dad didnt care…he was his FRIENDS son so he did nothing. If a man was around I would be brought out and made a big deal of, sorta like a prize horse or something, by both of my parents (they were divorced so this was in both of my so called homes) and each of them would try to get me to go out with the guy whether I wanted to or not. I left all of this at 16 and moved in with my first real LOVE who I ended up marrying. While with him I had a stalker that apparently saw me once at a local store. I didnt remeber him other than my hubby introduced me and I walked off, but he started calling me and telling me what days I had off, what I was wearing and how I WOULD be with him. Another guy (my boss) grabbed my boobs and I just froze. My husband was also a jerk. He would hurt me whenever a man would ‘look’ at me.  I was told I had to look away whenever a man was around. He would see me around one of his friends and whistle for me to come over to him. He drug me by my hair off dance floors and out of houses when he would get jealous. I could not wear makep up or sexy clothes although he liked that on other women and let me know. I did leave him for my next knight in shining armor but this one weighed 400 pds at that time (he ended up at 675 when I left him) and so he wanted to keep me to himself and I ended up losing what few friends I had. He never minded that I started putting weight on and I am pretty sure now that I just felt like it wasnt worth being pretty anymore. And so here I am at this site telling complete strangers my personal stuff trying to figure out how I got here in the first place.

Food Log

one is how is that I met that negative calorie range thingy yesterday when I did’nt put in any exercise or activity at all since I didnt do any…yes I know I am slacking already…two days of no movement already. Only thing I can figure on the calorie thing is that I am eating more often like I should and so that is the diff and a good thing??

The other is how am I supposed to eat healthy if I dont have money to but healthy. I am sitting here wanting fruits and veggies but I cant afford them AT ALL! I know how to exercise without having a gym membership or anything at home to work out with. I know how to not eat chips, candy and cakes etc. What I dont know is how am I supposed to get good healthy things to eat in my house when all I get is $84 a month in food stamps??? I can’t buy enough reg foods to feed the 3 of us that live here (including my 3 year old daughter) and end up at food banks twice a month as it is. So any ideas on how to do this? I want my daughter to grow up being able to be healthy. I want her to see her momma lose this weight and never put it back on and to not even think about grabbing anything other than an orange or apple fro a snack. This isn’t gonna happen if I can afford the 2 dollar cookies that will last a week but not the 5 dollar bag of apples or oranges or bananas!!

For those of you wondering, my daddy pays for my access to the web (cuz he wanted me to get out of my depression) and I have no other bills to get rid to compensate for the food money. I only have electric, water and rent….no insurances for car, health or house and we barely survive so how am I to do this??

Food Log

I have been tracking my ‘exercise’ and is it true that riding in a car or truck for an hour burns 71 calories?? Some of these things seem unreal but I soooooooo wanna count them…especially the sex ones lol!

Food Log

I am often wondered how it is that I eat only once a day usually (due to lack of appetite) but I still gained weight. When I was in my 20’s I ate like total crap…chips and hot dogs, chips and sandwhich, just chips most of the time and yet I only weighed 125 AFTER giving birth to my 10 pound son at 21 and 5′7!! I hate that I dont eat and yet still pay the price. I have learned a little and know that I should be eating 6 times a day but I just cant make myself eat if I am not hungry. I am assuming that this 6 x’s a day is 3 normal meals and 3 snacks, so let me know if I am wrong. I guess my biggest hurdle will be actually eating that many times a day so I need a reminder. Maybe I will set my online calendars up to do that. The moving thing is hard too as my body hurts and I am just to damned tired to get up and do anything most days.  I get overwhelmed easy (so my house suffers) and would just rather not do anything if I cant do it all. My game plan is to at least do my stomach crunches every few days if not every day and move on from there. I will add in more once this becomes a habit…was thinking of yoga maybe. That should be okay for my poor ole body since there is no way that I am the aerobics kind of girl. Strip tease dancing was on my list to try to so if anyone has experience with that and wants to tell me it works or doesnt work, please do!

Food Log

so it ought to be interesting! I was always a skinny lil thing until about 10 years ago when I married my 400 pd husband. As he gained to 675 pds I gained to. I went from 140 to 199 during that time. I kept telling myself that it didnt matter but we all know it did. Although most of my weight is in my tummy only that is enough for any woman to feel bad about herself. My face and arms bother me to but I dont think I will have much issue with taking that off. I have a goal of 140 again but truthfully I would just like a flat stomach, thinner arms and face and to feel healthy. I have a 4 yo daughter and I want to be able to carry her when she is hurt and do things with her! So anyone reading this get on my case if I start really slacking! I am one of those types who does the opposite of what anyone, society or family, tells me to do so dont push my buttons or I will just stop. I am saying this so that you can gently push me toward my goal as I am pretty sure that this is the only way I will stay with it. Ok, so now I am on my way and hopefully my buddie here can keep me motivated! Let the journey begin

Food Log