LDGillis

My bf left me and so I am used my confusion to motivate me to walk….cant think with my dd always talking so walking is where I think. Then it was to come up with devious ways to bring him back. Then it was because I realized that hey I was losing weight and I was walking faster and farther than I have ever done in my life. This week he called me pathetic, so its my anger pushing me forward. I was always told that people trying to lose weight had to do it for theirselves and no other reason but I dont believe that anymore. I started cuz my doc scared the Hades outta me, kept at it cuz I hve no car and needed to walk to the store, stayed with it for the above reasons and it really doesnt matter as long as it gets the job done I say! So if you cant do it for yourself, then think of other reasons to do it and just go for it.

I was thinking more on why I gained weight. Sooooo many things to think about but I want to get to the CORE issues. Is it likely or at least possible that I gained weight to keep from being attractive? I was moleseted as a 5 year old by my cousin. That may have passed by without issue but my mom just told me to wear shorts to bed so I felt like it was my fault and I felt unprotected. As a 10 and 13 year old, I was pinned to walls and felt up by two other and older cousins. I still get the creeps when I see one of them…the other is in prison for rape (go figure) and so I am lucky there. My dad used to make me go work with a man that leered at me and let it be known that he wanted me when I was 15. Dad didnt care as long as I brought home some money or at least that is how it seemed to me. He set me up on a date with a friend of his son and thank the gods that my cousin was there because this guy was trying to rape me in the backseat when my cousin pulled him off of me. My dad didnt care…he was his FRIENDS son so he did nothing. If a man was around I would be brought out and made a big deal of, sorta like a prize horse or something, by both of my parents (they were divorced so this was in both of my so called homes) and each of them would try to get me to go out with the guy whether I wanted to or not. I left all of this at 16 and moved in with my first real LOVE who I ended up marrying. While with him I had a stalker that apparently saw me once at a local store. I didnt remeber him other than my hubby introduced me and I walked off, but he started calling me and telling me what days I had off, what I was wearing and how I WOULD be with him. Another guy (my boss) grabbed my boobs and I just froze. My husband was also a jerk. He would hurt me whenever a man would ‘look’ at me.  I was told I had to look away whenever a man was around. He would see me around one of his friends and whistle for me to come over to him. He drug me by my hair off dance floors and out of houses when he would get jealous. I could not wear makep up or sexy clothes although he liked that on other women and let me know. I did leave him for my next knight in shining armor but this one weighed 400 pds at that time (he ended up at 675 when I left him) and so he wanted to keep me to himself and I ended up losing what few friends I had. He never minded that I started putting weight on and I am pretty sure now that I just felt like it wasnt worth being pretty anymore. And so here I am at this site telling complete strangers my personal stuff trying to figure out how I got here in the first place.

Food Log

is that I am not beautiful, only I think I did this to myself. Kids would make fun of my eyebrows when I was younger, my skinniness (yes that hurts as much as being overweight), and my being poor. So I guess I overcompensated and plucked my brows, married rich and gained weight. NOW I am divorcing; so back to being poor and I have decided that its ok to lose some weight. Seems as if I could never make anyone happy. As I gained weight I would be told by my mom and aunt in no uncertain terms that I was and that I needed to lose it so I could be that ‘beautiful’ Lisa again but my mind was like, “How can that be if everyone else says that I am too skinny and look like an Ethiopian??” and by then I was already so confused that I stopped listening to anyone. I go against what everyone says on purpose just to stop thinking. My sister was 10 years younger and always wore makeup and had boobs (when I didnt get blessed with those until my weight came on) even at 13. The guys were all over her from the start; even my friends until they realized that she was so much younger. I couldnt stand that she was one of those girls who every guy who sees her wants her when I wasnt that type even at 23, 5′7″ and 125 pds. Pissed me off that they would look at me and say things like “This is your sister??? What happened to you???” Ok so it hurt more than anything. Everyone wanted to help her with anything that she needed while I was the strong one who didnt need any help. Yeah right!!! So I would just keep doing what I was doing and push it away.

This other person’s post who asked us to see the lies we believe got me to think about all of this since it is still going on even today (so almost 20 years of this crap) and you know what?? It IS a lie and I am done believing it. I have aged very well and at 40 my skin looks awesome. I will learn to enhance that with makeup. I have an ok face that might be better with some girly makeup tricks. My boobs are nice with this weight and since I didnt want to lose them I might have held myself back, so I will tell myself that there are pushup bras now They arent in bad shape either compared to some I know and this is after two kids. I only have stretchmarks on my butt and so I am lucky enough to be able to show my stomach off when I lose these 50-60 pounds. I had really nice cheekbones before I gained weight so maybe they will come back with the thinning of my face. I have awesome legs IMHO, but cant show them off cuz shorts dont look good with my fat tummy, but I can when I lose that tummy! Again (from my last post), I can sit on the beach alongside most girls, even teens, and not look 40 if I lose this weight so I am guessing that this is the picture I will hold onto in my head. I have a man who loves me and I know he truly means it when he says he thinks I am beautiful as does my daughter.

In summary, I WAS beautiful, I AM beautiful and I WILL be even more beautiful so they all can kiss my lily white butt! I will do what I want to do for a change and that is to feel healthy and strong and lose this stomach but I will do it for ME and only for ME.

I am already slacking but to my relief I am not putting myself down. I did not exercise today. Oh well! I DID walk around WalMart chasing two 3 year olds down for 30 minutes and I DID manage to eat 3 meals AND 2 snacks today so GO ME I am in massive pain with my arm (doc said it was a deep bruise whatever that is over 4 weeks ago) and so I am forgiving myself for not wanting to do anything. I am pretty sure that the work I have been doing this week makes up for it since before this week I never did ANY exercise. Good attitude toward my slacking or bad?

 On a good note…I figured it just now that if I lose 2 pounds a week (which is the healthy thing to do right??) that means that I will reach my goal weight by my birthday in March!!! Kinda of a cool incentive for me. I could spend my 41st birthday at the beach (I live in the greater Daytona Beach area) and then go dancing or something in a tight outfit lol. Can’t wait to turn 41!!

Food Log

I am often wondered how it is that I eat only once a day usually (due to lack of appetite) but I still gained weight. When I was in my 20’s I ate like total crap…chips and hot dogs, chips and sandwhich, just chips most of the time and yet I only weighed 125 AFTER giving birth to my 10 pound son at 21 and 5′7!! I hate that I dont eat and yet still pay the price. I have learned a little and know that I should be eating 6 times a day but I just cant make myself eat if I am not hungry. I am assuming that this 6 x’s a day is 3 normal meals and 3 snacks, so let me know if I am wrong. I guess my biggest hurdle will be actually eating that many times a day so I need a reminder. Maybe I will set my online calendars up to do that. The moving thing is hard too as my body hurts and I am just to damned tired to get up and do anything most days.  I get overwhelmed easy (so my house suffers) and would just rather not do anything if I cant do it all. My game plan is to at least do my stomach crunches every few days if not every day and move on from there. I will add in more once this becomes a habit…was thinking of yoga maybe. That should be okay for my poor ole body since there is no way that I am the aerobics kind of girl. Strip tease dancing was on my list to try to so if anyone has experience with that and wants to tell me it works or doesnt work, please do!

Food Log

so it ought to be interesting! I was always a skinny lil thing until about 10 years ago when I married my 400 pd husband. As he gained to 675 pds I gained to. I went from 140 to 199 during that time. I kept telling myself that it didnt matter but we all know it did. Although most of my weight is in my tummy only that is enough for any woman to feel bad about herself. My face and arms bother me to but I dont think I will have much issue with taking that off. I have a goal of 140 again but truthfully I would just like a flat stomach, thinner arms and face and to feel healthy. I have a 4 yo daughter and I want to be able to carry her when she is hurt and do things with her! So anyone reading this get on my case if I start really slacking! I am one of those types who does the opposite of what anyone, society or family, tells me to do so dont push my buttons or I will just stop. I am saying this so that you can gently push me toward my goal as I am pretty sure that this is the only way I will stay with it. Ok, so now I am on my way and hopefully my buddie here can keep me motivated! Let the journey begin

Food Log