LDGillis

I was thinking more on why I gained weight. Sooooo many things to think about but I want to get to the CORE issues. Is it likely or at least possible that I gained weight to keep from being attractive? I was moleseted as a 5 year old by my cousin. That may have passed by without issue but my mom just told me to wear shorts to bed so I felt like it was my fault and I felt unprotected. As a 10 and 13 year old, I was pinned to walls and felt up by two other and older cousins. I still get the creeps when I see one of them…the other is in prison for rape (go figure) and so I am lucky there. My dad used to make me go work with a man that leered at me and let it be known that he wanted me when I was 15. Dad didnt care as long as I brought home some money or at least that is how it seemed to me. He set me up on a date with a friend of his son and thank the gods that my cousin was there because this guy was trying to rape me in the backseat when my cousin pulled him off of me. My dad didnt care…he was his FRIENDS son so he did nothing. If a man was around I would be brought out and made a big deal of, sorta like a prize horse or something, by both of my parents (they were divorced so this was in both of my so called homes) and each of them would try to get me to go out with the guy whether I wanted to or not. I left all of this at 16 and moved in with my first real LOVE who I ended up marrying. While with him I had a stalker that apparently saw me once at a local store. I didnt remeber him other than my hubby introduced me and I walked off, but he started calling me and telling me what days I had off, what I was wearing and how I WOULD be with him. Another guy (my boss) grabbed my boobs and I just froze. My husband was also a jerk. He would hurt me whenever a man would ‘look’ at me.  I was told I had to look away whenever a man was around. He would see me around one of his friends and whistle for me to come over to him. He drug me by my hair off dance floors and out of houses when he would get jealous. I could not wear makep up or sexy clothes although he liked that on other women and let me know. I did leave him for my next knight in shining armor but this one weighed 400 pds at that time (he ended up at 675 when I left him) and so he wanted to keep me to himself and I ended up losing what few friends I had. He never minded that I started putting weight on and I am pretty sure now that I just felt like it wasnt worth being pretty anymore. And so here I am at this site telling complete strangers my personal stuff trying to figure out how I got here in the first place.

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